Just say no
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Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.