In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
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No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
I just love that new Pope smell.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too