an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
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What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
My patronus is a cheeseburger
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!