Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
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ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades