Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
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[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Meanwhile in Canada…
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Good point.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese