The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
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Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Only Americans understand
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
(True)
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.