“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
You Might Also Like
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Seek kebab; not attention
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side