All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
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6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.