Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
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what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER: