I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
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TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
termite twitter scares me
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time