My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
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Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?