If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
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If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
I hope they boil the right one.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.