I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
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One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828