“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
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Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.