I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
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Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬