Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
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Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.