Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
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“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.