My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
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Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.