in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
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How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100