I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
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me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.