Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
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Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch