I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
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At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.