*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
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Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
yeah not falling for this one
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
did it work
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
reviewed some movies recently
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying