Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
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I came this close!!!!
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.