Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
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Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.