[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
You Might Also Like
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
It’s the weekend y’all
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.