Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
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“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Not today
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.