Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
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I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
My loaf of bread looks terrified
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃