Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
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Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.