Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
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There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.