Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
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Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
WTF IS THAT!
can I use a minion as a tampon
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*