Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
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Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Batman v Dracula
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are