Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
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Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead