My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
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7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
April 1st is the class clown of days.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.