People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
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H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
I’d … I’d rather not.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
starting a garage orchestra
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!