Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
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Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
I will never stop laughing at this
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
I’m giving up for Lent.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend