IT’S-A ME,
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I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Wednesday
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
This has made my week.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.