Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
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The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking