”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
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I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents