My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
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A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.