Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
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If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*