wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
You Might Also Like
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.