KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
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No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why