GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
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Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.