Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry CavillAnd, no, it’s not a chowder class.
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I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
anyone else like Italian cereal
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Baking is just science you can eat.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now