I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
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the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year