“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
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Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
🍞🦆
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed