[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
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Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Education is vital
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Oh yeah that’s it
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”