Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
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When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
scenes of unspeakable carnage
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
hmmm
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand