Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
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I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
dogs can find happiness so easily
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary